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It is always a beautiful illusion to meet someone with whom to share the rest of your life. It is extremely exhausting to think that you have everything under control, and you think about how to say things without harming the other or what words to use so as not to hurt or touch emotional fibers.
Well, YES, you have to talk about EVERYTHING and touch painful fibers and say things that are hurtful; you wonder, but why does my social worker tell me this and should I put up a hostile environment before getting married? Well, I'll explain ahead.
Basically the one that you have many questions and doubts about the future; It is normal.
Before getting married you should sit down and think more than what you currently have in mind (which of course is beautiful) but let's go to what we came up with.
You must discuss financial areas and expectations: Such as the debts will be distributed, who will pay what, the accounts will be in common or separate, the credit of both is healthy, economic emergencies. (It is not that you have control of finances, but it is always good to discuss that economic area. If they will marry with capitulations or divided assets.
Parenting styles: "uff" Well, the styles of how to raise children is fundamental, they will always go hand in hand with both parents, therefore and this is because in no way or reason parents (grandparents) should discuss in this area Yes, they can contribute, but it should not be the absolute decision, by this I mean religion, beliefs that are instilled, education, time out (time out) or reprimands.
Childhood Traumas: Here is my "brain storm" every time I have children in therapy and it is because of a trauma, I work hard to find the reason that created this traumatic problem. You should tell your partner if you have any trauma, post-traumatic stress, a Problems that plague you from childhood to adulthood. Such as your fears, strengths, what bothers you, what you lived through as a child that hurt you, abuse, family arguments, thoughts that torment you. Above all, seek help before cause more harm or injure another human being, and how to handle it, as it is important to talk with the couple about what they are and look for an alternative to this situation.
Sexual Expectations: At the beginning everything is beautiful, fiery, cute, tender, understanding, but the time will come when everything has a change and it will pass. Now, you should consider what will be done about it and how it happens. They will seek help together, they will seek help from a professional, they will read about the subject, the things they want to do in private, the things they don't, what they can tolerate, their sexual fantasies, what they will NEVER tolerate. In addition, you learn along the way, as long as you dialogue.
Couple Expectations: Think about a future with and without that person, analyze your goals, organize your thoughts, include your partner, exclude her and analyze if in all the plans you have outlined they will be valuable for both of you, they will add importance to both. The plans are not always the same, but if you feel the obligation to recreate the expectations that are not due to the other, but you as a person, as an individual with your essence.
Family history: In each family there will always be that person who makes you uncomfortable, who hurt you, who torments you, those who make you happy, good people, what inspire you to be better, those who supported you and those who are always there for you. you at any time in life.
History of Diseases: You should talk about chronic diseases, hereditary, diseases that carry your family members and that may involve you as an individual.
Care of our parents: In the event that one of the parents of both suffers from any condition that requires continuous care, specialized care, extreme work to provide quality of life, then you must discuss who will be the person who intervenes in said situation, whether economic and healthful.
Care of our siblings: In case your parents cannot provide care, shelter, food, have a chronic and / or terminal illness or in case they die, who will be the person who will take care of that brother.
Mental Health History: Well, it is difficult to identify each person in the family, but the most important thing that all the people who surround you or will surround you, you should discuss it with the couple, and this why; It is important that if you are going to give way to a person to share the rest of your life with you, you know who may have a disorder, a diagnosis, an emotional situation, and if it is hereditary, you know how to support yourself.
Bucket list: We have all created a bucket list, yes and some still have it. Example in mine I still have to graduate from university; Well yes, now I have a master's degree. Discuss it with your partner - this will help direct the thoughts and things you share throughout life.
House of dreams: / town / country: Always, always you should discuss where you will live and why, sometimes you already live together, but is it an ideal for both of you? We know that it is an issue that must be discussed.
Career and Education: It is understood that many do not need to discuss why we want or study that career since it is something with which you identified at the time, but in case the unexpected happens and you have to change or work on something else, know that you will have the opportunity to move into the future making the slightest change.
Politics: Oh no, dirty difficult. But it is important to explain or discuss political predilection and your ideals, so every 4 years you don't have that fight about which party is better and why. Rather, that game meets expectations and you feel identified with it.
Let's see, are you ready?
By: Ana Valeria Capeles, MSW, ADEC, LICSW
Title: Past weddings and upcoming weddings. A.Capeles 2019
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